f for friends

[... each of us needs someone with whom we can be completely open, someone with whom we can relax our heart. We need someone we trust and feel comfortable enough with to share the secrets, dreams, and hopes of our hearts, including matters of the soul. We need ... a confidant who cares enough for us and respects us so completely that we do not fear revealing to him or to her the deepest parts of who we are, even those aspects of our lives of which we might be embarrassed or ashamed: our failures and fears, struggles and ongoing temptations, even our sinfulness.We need someone with whom we are able to speak our soul, confident that they will not betray our trust.] (Becoming Friends - Paul J Wadell)



from young i have been an introvert. i don't make friends easily to the extent people will think i m arrogant, sarcastic & unfriendly. i m rather shy to make the first move. however, if a hand is extended to me, i won't hesistate to shake it. i can talk a lot in front of people who knows me well. for those who don't - i m simply cold & probably always in my own world. i guess sometimes in an effort of self-defence & not wanting to be hurt, i do close up my world.



over the years, friends come & go. i m happy that i have with me a group of friends who has stuck by me these years. they cared, they supported me, they were there.



most often than not, i think i m bad at making friends. i dunno how to make & retain friends.



today, i thought i 'almost' lost a friend. he told me he's upset - i didnt know whether he was serious or was just teasing me as usual. for about an hour or so, i was sitting at my desk, outwardly doing my work but inside my head & heart, our conversation kept replaying on the unseen screen. i was worried that i have upset him for good, & he has given up our friendship. i think in the end either he started to miss me or he has gotten over his upset (i dare not ask & run the risk of further provoke) - we are on talking terms again. phew!



anyway, that small drama this morning jolted me. i need my friends, cant live without them. just the same as they had been friends to me, i hope i am a good friend to them.